You're wrong. Of course.

It must really be difficult to be in politics. You always have to spin everything just the right way. Because in all situations, you and your party must be right. And your opponent and his party must be wrong. Every time. No exceptions. Never is it OK to acknowledge any form of success by the “other party” even if it is obvious. I don’t know if it’s always been this way, but that’s how it is now. And it puts people in very difficult situations.

The situation I’m referring to currently is that of the republican governors. They are in a very precarious position. Remember that most elections, and state elections in particular, are about the economy. So with the economy as it is, what are these republican governors to do?

Since they are republicans, it is required that they repeat the message of how badly President Obama has bungled the economy. Since it is not permissible to ever acknowledge any kind of success by the other party, the message has to be that the economy is in huge trouble and cannot possibly improve significantly under this democratic leadership.

But on the other hand, they are facing elections in their own states in the fall. While they may not be up for reelection themselves, their state legislators are. So therefore, they have to show how their own state economy is improving, or even thriving. So you have guys like Florida governor Rick Scott pointing to “encouraging indicators that Florida’s economy is steadily moving in the right direction.” Or Virginia governor Bob McDonnell saying “With unemployment at over a 3-year low, agricultural exports at a record high, and thousands of Virginians working again…”

So, which is it? Is the economy getting better, or not? Maybe it’s only getting better in republican states! Maybe that will work. Unfortunately though, it won’t. Because more than half the states have republican governors. So if that were true, then of course our national economy would be improving. And we can’t have that!

So if I’m a republican governor, I have the following choice:
a) Proclaim how good our economy is to help my own state legislators, or
b) Proclaim how bad our economy is, to make sure Obama and the dems get kicked out of Washington.

Of course, they could always just tell the truth.

Truth? What am I saying? Truth? In politics? Yeah, right.

Of Screwdrivers and Batteries

Yes, screwdrivers and batteries. What do they have in common? What could this possibly be about? Well, very little, actually. Except that I have an amazing streak going in both of those categories. Sadly...

As you probably know, there are two main varieties of screwdrivers. OK, there’s a lot more if you count hex, torx, and weird things like that, which really should never have been invented anyway. But the two real ones, that real people use, are flat, with a slot in the head of the screw, and Phillips, which has a cross on the screw.

OK, now that your tool lesson is over, why am I writing this? Because every time I reach for a screwdriver, I always get the one I DON’T want. And I don’t mean sometimes, or usually. No, I mean every time. At least every time for the last 3 years. Really. It’s like 312 wrong choices in a row or something like that. What’s more, if I reach in a drawer for a Phillips, not only do I grab a flat, but there’s a pretty good chance that EVERY screwdriver in the drawer is flat. Really. I’m not making this stuff up. OK, maybe it’s not 312 in a row; and maybe it’s not 3 years. Those might be slight exaggerations. But it's still a whole lot in a row.

Batteries? Yeah, you know where this is going. In our house, we have a drawer with nothing but batteries. The other day I needed a AA. Here’s an inventory of the battery drawer:

• 6 - “D” cells. You know, the big ones that go in flashlights.
• 20 - “C” cells. Of course, I don’t know of any use for “C” cells. Maybe that’s why I have so many left.
• 51 - “AAA” batteries. No, I have no idea why I have 51 of them.
• 4 – 9 volt. Which I actually feel bad for, because they don’t even get a letter, like C, or D.
• 1 - CR 2032. About the size of a nickel that must have been for a watch or something once.
• 4 random batteries that are even smaller, that fit I-have-no-idea-what.
• 1 lithium-ion battery for a camera that I don’t even own any more
• ZERO “AA” batteries.

 Really.  Zero. None. Zip. Not one!

But do you think that’s unusual? No way. At school, I also have a battery drawer, and the other day I needed a 9V battery. So what do you think I had? Well, I’ll spare you all the gory details, but I’m sure you've guessed by now that I had exactly ZERO 9 volt batteries.

I sometimes feel incredibly cursed. (And I’m not even going to start in about drive-throughs.)

I will admit though, the word "cursed" is just a tad strong. After all, I'm really only talking about screwdrivers. And batteries.

I guess I can't really complain too much. Except that I just did!